Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
