I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
