Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Everything about him screamed your future.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
