shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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