She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
