My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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