Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
