She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
