awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
