life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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