if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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