Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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