Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
