There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
