my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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