i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
