Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
