he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
