you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
