You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
