I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
