I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
