apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
