So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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