I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
