He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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