I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
