Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
