Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
