Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
