Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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