I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
