I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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