eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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