i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
