He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Randomize
