Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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