Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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