that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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