thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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