So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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