just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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