Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I could fuck to npr.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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