from now on my penis is your penis
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
