My room smells like vodka and shame
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My bed smells like the plague
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
