seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
