don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
