mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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