i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
tell me about the eggs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
