How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
